high-waisted: hot or not?

PRO

by Lindsey 

via

Whether they’re Mom’s former workout shorts from the ’80s (à la Jane Fonda, of course) or denim cut-offs courtesy of Urban Outfitters, the chic factor of the high-waisted shorts phase can indeed exist.

Exhibit A: those workout shorts from Ma—definitely a hit for an ’80s-themed frat party at the local college. That neon will certainly be an eye-catcher! Grab a hot pink scrunchie and a highlighter-yellow headband for accessories’ sake, and you’re ready to get your groove on. Just watch out—Never Been Kissed fans may want to maul you for your super sexy attire.

Exhibit B: you have a thing for the nerdy kid in The Breakfast Club—clearly he was a winner seeing as I can’t remember his name—and you want to find a guy like him in this modern day and age. Make those shorts surpass your midsection! (Or, for you guy readers out there, if you had the hots for Dolly Parton in 9 to 5, you can always pull a Dabney Coleman and try to win the buxom blonde with your stylish hunter-green shorts that stretch to your tight ‘n toned pecs.)

Exhibit C: you think you’ve found Mom’s jean shorts in the attic, but whaddya know?! They’re Dad’s! He’s been searching high and low for that clutch nostalgia for years; no wonder they were buried deep in the confines of your attic…. But now, seeing as no man should wear those crotch-baring atrocities, maybe you can once again make them trendy. Go on, give it a whirl.

Exhibit D: if you look like Farrah Fawcett (legit, if you have her figure and, hopefully, her hair), you should def rock the high-waisted look. If you look more like her Charlie’s Angels co-star Kate Jackson, don’t.

Not ever.

Exhibit E: See also Exhibit D—Same goes for Dirty Dancing dollface Jennifer Grey; she rocked those shorts like a boss. Oh, she’s your doppleganger? Lucky you! Oh, you’re more like her awkward, off-pitch, sexual deviant of a sister? You CANNOT wear those shorts. We have revoked your privileges.

Exhibit F: you would like to dance along the lines of gender. Embrace the slightly androgynous qualities of these shorts. Embrace your inner Agnes Deyn without stepping foot on a runway. Good luck.

Also, who wouldn't want to look like Julianne Hough?!

             

CON

by Theresa 

via

How often do you get mistaken for your mom?

Well, if you're wearing high-waisted shorts, your chances get doubled. Actually, I made up that statistic but it sounds reasonable. Face it, from behind, unless you have the body of Heidi Klum, you look like a soccer mom. All of a sudden, your behind is elongated by 2 feet. I'm just going to say it: it looks downright bizarre.

Also, even the view from the front isn't exactly flattering. Unless you do 1,000 crunches a day, the high waist accentuates any sort of pudge or flab around your stomach. Highly unforgiving. I'm sure you have abs lying dormant underneath there somewhere but those shorts say 2 donuts for breakfast a day.

I get the attraction. It seems fun, it seems cute. “Oooh I look like my mom from way back when!” Right?

Wrong. You actually look like your father. Want to be permanently scarred? Look up shorts from the 70s, or old school basketball playas (see Hoosiers). Warning: these  images may be deemed disturbing and/or mentally traumatizing.

But yeah, that's who you look like. So toss aside those romantic notions of “vintage.” Honestly, you might as well pair those high-waisted shorts with glasses 3 inches thick. Coke-bottle lenses for the win!!! Trust me, re-watch Back to the Future and you’ll see. If you're going to have a big butt, you might as well thrown in magnifying-glass bug eyes so you are at least historically accurate.

I'm not saying nobody can pull it off. I'm saying most people can't. I fully admit that I cannot pull off the high-waisted shorts. The question is, can you?

There’s a 99% chance that no, you cannot. Here’s a simple test to find out!

<!--[if !supportLists]-->1)   <!--[endif]-->Are you Kate Moss?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->2)   <!--[endif]-->Are you Gisele B@&$^#%@#*?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->3)   <!--[endif]-->Are you another of the Victoria’s Secret supermodel collection?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->4)   <!--[endif]-->Do you use the word “summer” in verb form?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->5)   <!--[endif]-->Are you Adam Lambert?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->6)   <!--[endif]-->Are you a pre-pubescent teenager?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->7)   <!--[endif]-->Have you fasted for the past 48 hours?

<!--[if !supportLists]-->8)   <!--[endif]-->Do you currently hold a membership on the approved list of gyms (including L.A. Boxing, L.A. Fitness, anything with L.A. in the title … or Crossfit)

If you answered “No :( :( :( ” to 2 or more of these questions, we’re sorry, you’re being kicked off the high-waisted shorts island. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. If you said “Yes,” congratulations, you’ve been added to our Most Hated List. No offense.

I mean, maybe it's just a throwback to your childhood and Saved by the Bell and all... but do you really want to look like this? There is a reason this fad died. Just sayin'.