list of facts that are interesting! (and/or traumatizing)

Don't say we didn't warn you.... 

by Kristina and Theresa

1. Penguins are sexually-depraved necrophiliacs. 

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2. Liam Hemsworth was at one point engaged to Miley Cyrus. 

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3. The population of the world is supposed to reach 9 billion by 2050. 

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4. Pleather is having a revival in the fashion industry. 

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5. Rabbits sometimes trample their young. 

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6. The number of people on welfare in the United States is nearly equal to the total population of England or Spain. 

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7. Female praying mantises decapitate their mate after sex. 

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8. Little kids have cell phones these days. 

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9. After you unsubscribe from an email, the organization still keeps all of your information. (In other news, so does the NSA apparently...)

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10. The United States alone generates enough waste to circle the globe four times. 

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miley cyrus: we should've known

And here is a brief history of the evolution of Miley Cyrus as expressed through song. 

by Kristina and Theresa 

1. "See You Again": I have a heart that will never be tamed. 

Well, we can't say she didn't warn us. But on her debut album, Miley still had the innocence of a preteen Disney princess. This was the type of inoffensive, albeit vacuous, jam that you could safely play in front of little kids. 

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2. "Fly on the Wall": A creepy little, sneaky little fly on the wall. 

Ummmm this is officially when things started getting weird for Miley. No one is sure where she got the idea for this song, but it seems eerily like a drug-induced bout of paranoia. Perhaps it came to her in a dream from the future? 

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3. "The Climb": There's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it. 

Hearing voices are we, Miley? Well, that's never a good sign. Some people thought this song was just about the struggle of a young Disney socialite.The more aware of us recognized this as a desperate plea for help. And so began the declime (heh) of Miley Cyrus.

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4. "Party in the USA": My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick, too much pressure and I'm nervous. 

This upbeat view of 'Murica was all a ruse for the deteriorating mental state of Hannah Montana. Everyone knows listening to a song by Jay-Z, or BritBrit, will not make everything better. 

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5. "Can't Be Tamed": I can get a bit crazy, have to get my way, yep, 24 hours a day, 'cause I'm hot like that. 

Uhhh, all aboard the train to sloot town. More importantly, this song raised a lot of pressing philosophical issues. Why is Miley in a cage? Who is trying to tame her? Why is she a bird? Aren't we all just massive black feather creatures forced into writing on the ground in a cage for entertainment?.... Nope, not really. 

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Anddddd finally. When it all came together and fell apart. 

6. "We Can't Stop": To my home girls here with the big butt, shaking it like we at a strip club. 

Maybe Miley can't stop, but the rest of us sure as hell wish she would. This song is a sloot train wreck. Like, she was well on her way to Sloot Town, but then the train crashed and it all got a little weird, and now there's teddy bears (see the video. Nightmares). We want to look away but we just can't. 

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the usefulness but overall suckiness of e-readers

PRO

by Kristina

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Yeah, I’m not a Kindle/Nook/e-reader kinda gal. The whole concept pretty much annoys me, and it blows my mind to think that in thousands of years, if the human race is in fact still around, there will be no evidence that our society even existed because we insist on digitizing everything. But anyway, in the interest of fairness, which is what this whole blog is about, here are a couple positives about this growing technological trend.

First of all, in the long run, it does save you money. Book stores are becoming a rarity, so if you do want to buy a bunch of books, you usually have to do so using an online forum. Consequently, not only are you paying for each individual book, you’re also paying for the mysterious “shipping and handling” charges that somehow make your $29.95 book purchase add up to $200.99. (Seriously?? Stop handling my books! Stop it!)

Also, in this age of luxury and laziness, convenience is more important than overall experience. Translation: Kindles are great because you can carry them around no matter where you go. You can’t bring the entire series of Harry Potter with you in physical book form anywhere. Your arms will fall off or bulk up like Ahnold in Terminator which may not be so hot if you’re of the lady variety. The portability of Kindles and other e-readers make them an easy choice if you travel frequently or have a long commute.

All in all, I think it’s great that the convenience of e-readers encourages people to check out the latest best-seller rather than the newest reality show. (Shhh.. I still think they suck). 

CON

by Lindsey

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E-reader. The most dreaded word a librarian (or the spawn of said librarian) can hear. Along with Kindle, Nook, Kindle Fire, and iPad (for novel-reading purposes). It makes me quake in my boots, shake, shiver, you get the gist. Anger also bubbles up inside of me. HELLO! We cannot cause such injustice to our ancestors who wrote with twig, quill, berry, whatever they had available on whatever paper-like substance they had in the vicinity.

Can we so easily reject the innovations that history left to us? Scrolls from the library at Alexandria (okay, so I took that from Diane Kruger's character in National Treasure); parchment, animal skins, tree bark?!

Okay, I admit it may seem a little archaic, but its important to stay close to our roots. Think Founding Fathers, Aristotle, scribes, cool old-school stuff. We must hearken back to the days of yore and stop succumbing to the cold, brightly lit screens of the unfriendly e-reader.

What about a book? One you can select from the shelves of a retail bookstore or, better yet, a used bookstore (my personal favorite). One you can open, note the creaking of the spine (if it's a real antique), and smell that timeless, musty aroma emanating from its pages. I firmly believe there is nothing better. E-readers are slowly taking over, assimilating the beings of this world into a technology-only culture. Like the Borg on Star Trek. But worse. Can we break the trend and prove resistance is not futile? Put down the damn iPad and pick up a book. 

the love-hate relationship with starbucks

PRO

by Lindsey

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Coffee: (noun.) Nectar of the gods. (The ambrosia bit is a myth.)

And where better to get your daily, twice daily, or even thrice daily caffeine fix than Starbucks. Also known as Starbs or the Bucks, this coffee chain is clearly bringing in the cash with the amount of business they do.

I started my Starbucks fixation in high school; took it the next level in college (thanks to an unlimited meal plan where you could use swipes at the Starbucks in the library ... brilliant marketing ploy, Wake Forest, absolutely brilliant); took it back down a notch until I worked in Farmington, Connecticut--where the only thing to do besides get froyo was walk to the Bucks); and now, living on a penny-pincher's budget in the District, I try to keep my caffeine purchases to a minimum.

But I love it. The Bucks has anything and everything a coffee lover could possibly want. Watching your weight? Go for the "skinny" option. Craving fruit but choose a burrito instead of a fruit salad? Ask for a few pumps of raspberry. Falling asleep and the work day hasn't begun yet? Extra shots are necessary. It's ninety degrees outside, there's a heat wave on the approach, AND you've soaked through your blouse? Frap or something iced; that will act as a band-aid for the shitty situation you've encountered living in Swamplandia.

And you get rewards! They're better than punch cards. Eventually you can even be a gold member (no, not like the Mike Myers movie), earning freebies like syrups and size upgrades. Once I reach gold status, I'm sure to feel very upper echelon, like Gossip Girl-style. Picture it: walking around with oversized sunglasses, a designer bag, and grande latte. Alright, so I'm clearly not even close to as fabulous as Blair or Serena, but a girl can dream, can't she?

CON

by Lindsey

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Yes, waiting in line is what I'd really like to be doing--it's not like I have better things to do--and waiting even longer because the person in front of me wants a double tall (whatever the f*** that means), half-caf, single-shot, no foam, extra hot, skinny vanilla latte with a pump of sugar-free hazelnut. I mean COME ON. Clearly, you're ordering coffee just to make everyone's lives a living hell. GEE THANKS.

Yes, I positively adore paying nearly $5 for an iced coffee that's actually just half-ice. I choose light ice. The barista chooses to have selective hearing.

Yes, I love dealing with baristas who loathe their coffee-brewing lives. And they spell my name in the stripper variety, i.e. Lyndzi. No one spells it like that. NO ONE. Except that one girl from Jake's season of The Bachelor who had a noticeably asymmetrical face. Clearly she had sketchy parents.

Yes, I love bypassing the Union Station Starbs in favor of saving some cash and drinking the mediocre (and sometimes burned) office coffee ... and seeing the girl from the other side of the office bouncing in with her iPhone in one hand and venti, something-pretentious Starbucks beverage in the other. Oh, that's nice. I forgot that you live in the swanky area of D.C., probably don't pay your own rent (#daddy'sgirl), and can purchase designer coffee on the reg. Yes, I hate the very essence of your being.

edward snowden: the movie

by Kristina and Theresa

We present to you a list of candidates for the inevitable cinematic exploitation of the tale of one Edward Snowden. 

1. Run, Snowden, Run with Tom Hanks: His angle would take a more sympathetic tone to the plight of the young NSA hacker. To do something that reckless (some might even say courageous), you probably have to have a screw loose in the old noggin'. 

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2. La Guarida de Nieve (Den of Snow) with Antonio Banderas: Think of the rakish, yet elegant figure he would cut as the elusive Guarida de Nieve. He could make the portrayal serious and sexy-- the perfect combo for movie magic. Hopefully he grows back the super skinny/creepy mustache from Zorro... 

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3. на весенних каникулах (Springbreakers) with James Franco: Like Snowden, Franco has a history of revealing stuff to us that we would rather not know. We get that you want to reveal something important about society (or the government) but we would really rather you just keep it in your pants-- I mean on your computer. 

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4. Home Alone-- Not. with Macaulay Culkin: Just writing that name gave me the shivers. His creepiness would translate well to a darker interpretation of the Snowden saga. 

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5. Edward Snowden with Edward Snowden: Wait, and I'm just thinking out loud here, but we could get Edward Snowden... to play Edward Snowden. Revolutionary! (Calm down, NSA, it's just a movie. He can't leak your stuff again so it's all good.)

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open city review

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by Kristina, Lindsey, and Theresa

You don't have a lot of time, and neither do we, so here’s a quick rundown of the good and bad at Open City:

· The food is awesome and reasonably priced. Also, they serve breakfast all day. DONE. 

· It’s extremely easy to get to. (right by Woodley Park Metro)

· The area is really fun too. After brunch/dinner/breakfast/whatever, you can go boutique shopping or hit up those animals (zoo) if that’s what you’re into.

· Coffee was fantastic, but re-fills did not appear to be free (not sure-waiter didn’t share that info with us).

· You don’t see your waiter all that often because he might be a little inattentive.

· Maybe that’s a good thing, because he might maybe kinda hate his job a little.

· Definitely a hipster-y vibe, but you might be into that.

Final note: It is extremely popular, so be prepared to wait on weekends. 

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All in all, TMIW gives it a big thumbs-up for a reasonably priced, fun brunch place!

                                                                                

                                                                                           

     

cosmo or cosno? (Just go with it)

PRO
by Lindsey 

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Cosmopolitan--more commonly known as Cosmo ... or, the Bible.

The cover just stops you in your tracks. Nomenclature splashed across the top, a sexy celeb in barely there clothing poised in the middle, and at least one corner yields the word SEX in neon letters. What else could a girl (or a guy, for that matter) want?

While the magazine holds ads for fitness and ads for new makeup products and ads for Gucci with the ever-sexy Chris Evans, we all know what we look for in the must-have monthly issue of Cosmo: the sex tips.

GUYS: Want new ways of romping in the bedroom

GIRLS: For whatever reason, feel the need to do anything and everything and every position in every which way to impress their man.

BOTH: Y'all need to read the issue from a few months back with North West's mama on the cover. It has an article on how to get some when you live at home with your parents. Initial thoughts that came to mind before reading the article? Lock the door. Move a chest of drawers in front of it. Blast some music. If all else fails, i dunno, just DON'T DO IT THERE.

Clearly, those who are living with the parental units need to read this for themselves.

The sex tips/sex Q&As in a nutshell: create an alter ego (think Batman: maybe your guy will bring out the growling voice that Christian Bale exaggerated in Dark Knight); use hot dialogue (duh?); make him feel like meat (umm, pretty sure it's not supposed to be interpreted a la Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect. "Hello, boys. Care to put your American sausage in my English muffin?"

And I'm pretty sure both parties secretly read the almost-porn excerpt in the back pages of said Bible. As if 50 Shades of Grey wasn't enough.

So if you want to make things interesting and innovative, to say the least, in the bedroom (whether in your grown-up bed or your trundle decorated with unicorns from your childhood), nothing compares to the sage words emanating off of the pages of Cosmo.

CON

by Theresa 

Alright, I know that people are going to judge and I say, let the haters hate.

Because I hate Cosmo. Frankly, it terrifies me. Want to scare small children on Halloween? Show them the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Maybe it’s the legacy of my Puritan ancestors. (That’s actually factually inaccurate because I am half-Peruvian, half-German/Irish...semantics). 

Cosmo is a fearsome creature to behold. I mean what other magazine could with a straight face offer you list after list of sexual tips? I mean, does anyone actually even use them?!

I’m with the Silent Generation on this one – whatever you are doing in the bedroom needs to STAY in the bedroom.

Cosmo makes something that should be private and intimate into something to read up on while you wait for your haircut. It just has this almost indescribable ick factor.

I get it the whole “sex sells” thing but I don’t understand why Cosmo has to take that so literally.

If I’m getting all philosophical on you, I also think the whole article is just demeaning. With titles like, “50 Ways to Please Your Man” and “How to Look Great Naked” Cosmo reduces women to sexual objects.

Deep thoughts aside, I say pick up a Marie Claire or People Magazine. At least those are balanced and give you a little bit of everything versus a sensory overload of sex, sex, sex.

Also, I have to admit that I have a personal grudge against the company. This past year, yours truly was featured in a small blurb in a print edition of Cosmo. While waiting in line at a Starbucks before our literature final, two friends and I were approached by a reporter who wanted to ask us questions about dating on campus. Weeeell, when the article came out, it basically made us into sexual deviants. Which (most of us anyway, including myself) are not. I guess our lives were too vanilla so they spiced it up a little bit a la Cosmo.

Not my finest hour, and definitely NOT how I want to make it big. Word of advice? Don’t do an interview running on 3 hours of sleep. Who knows what you could say.

zumba

PRO

by Theresa 

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Get jiggy with it! (Okay, I kinda regret saying that. Whatever, I stand by it.)

How often do you get to feel like RGIII after a training session and like you just hit up the clubs with your best chicas?

Forget what the haters say. Zumba is NOT just for aging women trying desperately to infuse their life with a little Latin spice and flavor. Zumba lets you feel like Baby in Dirty Dancing, while also burning off that pizza you had for dinner last night. You get to move your hips and practice your sultry moves. For a brief, glorious 60 minutes, you get to pretend to be one of Beyonce’s backup dancers or Julianne Hough.

We don’t all get to shake it on stage. And I mean, how many people do you know that still “go out dancing”? No, your grandparents do not count. So when else do you get the chance to bust a move on the regular? Zumba is perfect for that. If you don’t get the dance bug out of your system soon, you might be that weirdo breaking it down in the Metro. (Nobody needs to see that).

Not to mention, it’s the perfect alternative for more traditional exercise. If you’re like me, running on a treadmill makes you feel like a hamster. A poor, pathetic, sweaty hamster. And running outside during this summer is actually suicidal. We live in a godforsaken SWAMP for crying out loud, people! Get back inside!

You can do Zumba in the comfort of your air-conditioning and away from probing eyes. If you get tired, you can pause without fellow runners and/or judgmental tourists sympathetically shaking their heads and tsking at you.

Not to mention, Beto is one attractive, albeit sexually-ambiguous, dance partner. You can even use his belly button ring as focal point so you don’t lose concentration!

So whip out that DVD player and let me see you get low. Because it’s about to get hot in here. 

CON

by Kristina 

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Before I begin my well-thought out and meticulously planned argument, I’d like to point out a few simple facts.

1)      Zumba is not a real word. In any language.

2)      Beto is terrifying.

3)      Beto’s relationship with his back-up dancers is highly questionable.

What exactly are you doing when you do Zumba anyway? Shaking your ass to fake Spanish music whose lyrics consist of “Zumba-hey, Zumba-ho?” I can feel the calories melting away already.

Here is my highly scientific test for any workout routine: What would you feel like if anyone walked in on you doing Egyptian arms with Beto and his freakishly toned band of racially- ambiguous deviants? My guess is you’re not gonna feel sexy or powerful, but rather like you’re just spanking yourself alone in your house. Sad.

In short, if you ever want to get fit without having to hide your regimen from your friends out of embarrassment, join a gym—without Beto.

doing yoga: awkward or awesome?

PRO

by Kristina 

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I feel the need to start off by saying that I am not in any way a yoga type. I do not match my Lululemon sweat band to my Lululemon yoga pants which also match my Lululemon yoga mat (by accident, duh). When I sweat, it’s not delicate, and my hair doesn’t twist into perfect, charming ringlets around my face. I cannot touch my knee to my forehead and my ass does not defy gravity and various other laws of physics. All this yoga inadequacy aside, I can definitely pick out some positive aspects of this somewhat bizarre fitness trend.

I’m an avid runner, but earlier this year, I had a pretty bad case of runner’s knee. Even doing low- impact exercises on the elliptical machine or the stationary bike left me in quite a bit of pain (#wimp). I guess I could’ve stopped working out, and been more responsible with my diet, but that’s pretty much never an option for me. I’m more of an “eat anything and everything all day and decide it’s okay if I work out for 30 minutes” person.

Yoga allowed me to stay in (pretty) good shape, while also becoming way more flexible. I even noticed, after about two months, that I was a lot stronger than I had been before starting my yoga routine. I can’t say I felt more relaxed or spiritually enlightened or whatever the hell they claim you’ll be, but I was definitely still athletic even without a tough cardio regimen.

All in all, I wouldn’t say I’m a huge yoga convert but I do think it’s a great way to stay in shape when you can’t do the stuff you’d rather be doing. 

CON

by Theresa 

(SPOILER ALERT: YOGA IS RIDICULOUS)

“Inhale. Exhale.”

I got this.

“Okay, now drop your sacrum to the base of your spine.”

You lost me. What the hell is a sacrum and how does one go about dropping it?

The problem with yoga is that it’s not for the common man. Most people don’t know what the sacrum is and can’t extend their legs behind their head. Because it’s unnatural! I mean look at the yoga videos. They usually feature ridiculously toned men and women literally sitting on the peak of some mountain in Arizona doing the One-Legged King Pigeon and becoming one with the earth. Whatever that means.

When I do yoga, it’s just a constant stress seeing if I can keep up with the rest of the class. Honestly, if I even attempted some of the positions, I would probably break my sacrum, or whatever that is. (Seriously. What is your sacrum.)

We’re simple creatures, we just want to jump around a little bit, get our blood pumping, break a sweat. We don’t need to contort out bodies in wild positions in 100 degree saunas. What masochist invented this horrible practice? (No offense to the ancient Indians.)

Not to mention, the whole modern environment of yoga is just…. .granola-y.

“Do what feels right to you.”

How about you just tell me what to do? And preferably not things that will permanently disfigure my body as I know it.

“Inhale. Exhale and release the toxins polluting your chakras.”

Wow, who knew the magical quality of breathing? Maybe if I had known that, I would have breathed more often….. oh wait.

The point is, when I exercise, I want to sweat (and NOT because I am trapped in a sauna with 20 other women). I want to feel like an athlete. I listen to Birdman, Akon. Throw some Jay-Z and Macklemore up in there. I most certainly do not want to listen to “soothing” seagulls and waves. That just reminds me of HOW MUCH I WISH I WAS AT THE BEACH INSTEAD OF DOING THE DOWNWARD DOG IN A YOGA STUDIO THAT REEKS OF LAVENDER DRYER SHEETS.

Ahem. Anyway, I mean I am not violently opposed to a good stretch every now and then. But if I could just get the stretch, minus the lectures on life and why we should limit our diets to berries and nuts, not to mention the metaphysical musings, and the perpetual aroma of incense or vanilla, I would totally be down to get my yoga on.

we are family

        

PRO

by Lindsey 

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Ah, the joys of family vacations. Hours of bonding time in a four-door, listening to the soothing sounds of Dad snoring next door, Mom telling you how to handle your current relationship, Bro thinking he's wayyyyy cooler than you, and Sis spending more time texting and Tweeting and Instagraming than catching up with you.

Snarky situations aside, there are mad perks to vacationing with the entire fam. You pay for nothing. And I mean nothing. It's positively glorious. Trust me, I cannot wait for my family vacation in August: restaurants where I can order a filet instead of a salad, request one or two glasses of wine, select a delectable dessert, and it's all going to be free ninety-nine for MOI.

But let's not be shallow here. What about the bonding time? Talking about members outside of the immediate family, some of whom you don't know at all.

Mom's news: Great-aunt Myrtle broke a hip, Cousin Lucy ran off with a Frenchman and got knocked up, Granny won Bingo last week--hurray for multicolored, plastic-bead necklaces!

Dad's news: He's buying a sports car, re-marciting the pool, buying a new-and-improved grill, and going on the Atkins diet (which requires him to resist beer. Challenge accepted.)

Bro's news: School's fine. .... .... *crickets chirping in the background*

Sis's news: OH EMMM GEEE she's in love with Trent, a lacrosse player. He's moving to Wyoming, and she wants to go with him.

Your news: The real world sucks. You're poor and you want to make more money. Your roommates drive you insane, and your as single as a lone dollar bill. You'd like to win the lottery and move to Europe.

Bonding time FTW!

CON

by Kristina 

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Vacation and family are like really white people and the sun. They need to meet up sometimes, but if they spend too much time together, it ends in pain. I love my family more than life itself but I think we all need a vacation from each other sometimes. Not with each other.

I don’t know about you all, but family vacations stress my family out. The whole beginning part of the trip my dad is gripping the steering wheel like it’s about to get sucked into space. Not what I might call relaxing. And then of course, there’s the sleep factor. When the boys snore, it sounds like tons of gravel being fed into a blender which is then turned on. And on. And on. Blend till smooth.

I’m all about family bonding time, but maybe not in a confined space. Just sayin’.

you're smarter than me and it's SO ANNOYING. (but kinda hot)

PRO

by Kristina 

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In theory, dating someone smarter than you sounds really, really obnoxious. We all know those people…you know the kind that correct you even when you’re clearly making a joke? Like yes, a**hole, I am well aware of the fact that the temperature outside will never actually be 1000 degrees because that’s clearly impossible. GOD. But anyway.

The flip side of the obnoxious, please-for-the-love-of-God-shut-your-face coin is the perpetual bro who can literally never understand the words coming out of your mouth. You want to discuss anything deeper than how blackout he got last night?  

Sample Convo:

You: Hey, have you read this? It’s really good. You should check it out.

Him/her: *Crickets* *Blank stare* *Crickets with blank stares* Yooo did you see this photo of me naked trying to change the channel on the aquarium? RIDING THE BLACK OUT TRAIN BROOOOOOO.

Just no. When you date someone smarter than you, you’re pretty much never going to be bored. The conversation will always be interesting, even challenging, and you might even feel like you need to improve your own knowledge. There’s nothing better than being with someone who not only makes you feel great, but also makes you want to be better.

In this case, I think taking a little hit to your ego is the smartest thing you can do. 

CON

by Theresa 

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Let me ask you just one question. Would you rather date Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory or Joey Tribbiani from Friends? I rest my case.

Actually, I don’t because I need to make this blog post longer.

The thing is, nobody really wants to date someone who is smarter than you. I mean, obviously you want to be “challenged” by the person you date, but does that mean racing each other to finish the NYT Sunday crossword each week? I don’t think so.

Besides, can you imagine the annoyance of the perpetual, “Well actually… blah blah blah.”

No, thank you. Besides, “book intelligence” is vastly overrated. A lot of really capable, interesting people I know probably didn’t score above a 1900 on the SAT. Does that mean that you shouldn’t date them? You run the risk of being a snob if that’s really what’s important to you in life instead of whether someone is a good person or not.

Now, I’m not saying that you should date Kelso from That 70’s Show but you also don’t need to date the Russell Crowe character in A Beautiful Mind.

There are things way more important in life—like someone who is kind, considerate, loving, easy-going, driven, dedicated, ahem NOT a know-it-all… Don’t hold yourself back from a good relationship just because someone occasionally misspells “sub poena” or “disenfranchise.”